Realisation
by Kiri-tan
Summary: Shira Oka - where the main character realises that not all is as it seems with his angel guide


A little story that I got the inspiration from whilst reading a 'Let's play' of Shira Oka. I've not played the game myself, so I don't know if this is actually spoilers or not - it's based on the theories of many people in the thread, though. Also, Penguin is what the guy playing it named his character. I couldn't be bothered changing it/coming up with a new name: sorry! ^^;

Also, sorry for any mistakes: I've not edited it, and I was kinda trying out a new way of doing speech.

Anyway, hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** The otome game Shira Oka does not belong to me.

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Realisation

Satsuko wrapped her arms around her torso, hugging herself. For some reason, she couldn't bring herself to look at me – though that could probably be blamed on the topic that was going to be brought up; "S-sometimes people are in unimaginable pain, Penguin. Even after exhausting all of their options for help, sometimes the pain is so great that they don't think it's worth it for them to continue living."

_She could've come and spoken to me – I thought we were friends. I would've helped!_ My own thoughts made me feel guilty, and I looked askance.

"I think that that's probably how Kasumi felt."

_How many times is it we've had this exact same conversation, Satsuko? _I had to bite back a snappish rejoinder, and instead took a calming breath. _It's not her fault that I feel so helpless about this; I shouldn't take it out on her. She's just doing what she thinks is best, to help me deal with my inadequacy…_ Regardless, I couldn't stop a little of my irritation from bleeding into my voice, "What is that even supposed to mean?"

"It means that this was a terrible tragedy, but you also have to look at it from Kasumi's perspective.

"Think about how sad and desperate someone must be to even want to kill themselves. I think then you can see that sometimes it's okay that not everybody is saved."

"I— you _what?_" I burst out, spluttering with disbelief. "I'm sorry; did you just say 'it's okay that not everybody is saved'? Are you serious? _What kind of fucking __**angel**__ are you?_"

She jerked away from me, a hurt expression on her face, "Wh-what? You never made a big deal about this before…"

"Maybe because, _before_, I wasn't feeling so bloody useless! You want to know how many times I've seen Kasumi's angel wing pins on that beach, dived into the sea, all the while hoping that _this time_ I might manage to save her? You want to know? Hell, I can't even _remember_, I've been sent back in time so. Many. Fucking. Times. And it's not just Kasumi, oh no!

"What about Yui, huh? My options with saving her are: don't, get run over by a bus, or let someone else, who has no clue about how many times I've seen that scenario repeat, no clue about how many times I've had that image of her standing there with that bus speeding towards imprinted into the backs of my eyes, do it. Why can't I, just _once_, do something fucking right?

"And then you! You go on, saying the exact same thing over and over again. Don't you get fed up of it? But even more than that, what kind of message is that to preach? You're an _angel_, aren't you? First of all, aren't you supposed to, y'know, try and _save_ people, not give up and walk by when they're in need! What happened to the example of the 'Good Samaritan' and all that?

"And secondly, being an angel, aren't you _against_ suicide? If you know she's going to do it, each and every _fucking_ time you send me back, why don't you try and _stop_ it for once? Shouldn't you have the ability to help her? Rather than preach about the 'unimaginable pain' that must've driven her to it, why didn't you try to _ease her fucking pain?_ Even _if_ what you said was true, that's no excuse – it doesn't make things magically okay!"

As my mouth ran on and on, I could see Satsuko open her mouth to try and defend herself, but I gave her no opportunity to speak, continuing my merciless onslaught.

"Even if Kasumi didn't want to be saved, it doesn't mean that she shouldn't be. It doesn't mean that she doesn't have that option, that she doesn't _deserve_ the option!

"And if you think that she _doesn't_ deserve the opportunity to get respite from her torment, then you disgust me." I spat, finality in my voice.

Silence, apart from the harsh rasping of my breath.

I forced myself to look up at her when the stillness had lingered too long. Her eyes were wide (with fear?) and brimming with barely withheld tears.

And – for some reason that I can't explain – that reaction of hers irritated me.

"It makes one wonder," I said coldly, "what kind of an angel you are.

"It's not the only thing. How about that time with Hiroshi, hmm? When you told me that sometimes you have to do things that you're against, that you really don't want to do, for your friends. Or that it's sometimes better to— or whatever. But that's beside the point."

I leaned in close to her; her eyes widened even further (they were wider than I thought possible); "My point is: are you actually even an angel?"

She seemed to regain some composure, and her ability to speak, "I— I…" She glanced away, unable to meet my fierce gaze, her hands twisting anxiously.

In that moment, she reminded me so much of someone: shy; vulnerable; nervous; blue; sincere—

And, suddenly, I knew.

"K-Kasumi…?"


End file.
